Somewhere in Between

This morning I acknowledge the tug of war within. Part of me wants to move forward, stepping into all I believe God has for my future. At the same time, another part of me holds back.

On April 13, 2018, The man I was married to for 38 years died in his sleep. He was just 61.

It’s been a year and a half now, but some days it’s like it just happened. Since Charlie’s death, everything has radically shifted. Amidst all the changes, for the first time, I’m having to face the world alone. It’s as if I experienced an amputation without anesthesia, and I’m trying to function with only half of myself. How do you recover from such a loss? Does moving forward mean I’m leaving my husband behind? Embracing the new can seem like a betrayal.

In February 2018, I went on a private retreat to write. As usual, my husband joined me for a day. Out of the blue, he asked me a question: “What do you think the wave is?”

During a difficult season with my husband’s health, we asked for prayer. When the couple finished praying for us, the woman turned to me and said, “Jenny, I sense the Lord saying there is a big wave coming. But don’t be afraid, just ride the wave, and in the end, it will be exciting.”

All that week, it seemed as though everywhere I turned, I heard something about waves and water. It was a little disconcerting. Nothing about this wave seemed “exciting.” Yet at the same time, I had peace.

As we stood in that kitchen, I was a little puzzled as to what made him ask about the wave, but I answered, “At first, I thought it was about your cancer. It was certainly frightening, but in the end, you were healed.”

He said, “No, that wasn’t it.”

“Well, then I wondered if it had to do with remembering all my abuse. Facing my past was hard, but it was worth it. I’m so much stronger.”

He shook his head. “That wasn’t it either.”

By that point, I was a little exasperated. “Well, what do you think it is?” I said it with an attitude. Like, “Ok, Mister smarty-pants, what makes you think you know the answer?”

I can still see him standing by the kitchen window. He just looked at me and said, “The wave is now.”

I shook my head in confusion. “What? What do you mean, now?”

Charlie gestured out the window. “Everything you’ve ever wanted—the books, the speaking, sharing your heart with women. It’s all about to happen.” He stretched out his hand, pointing into the distance. It was as if he saw something other than grass and trees. His face wore a look of conviction and he spoke with such confidence.

Six weeks later, he was gone.

Some might think this incident would motivate me to reach for my dreams. The problem is, I never believed I’d be achieving my goals solo. Although I’ve published one book and am working on my second, we both knew there was so much more. Charlie was my biggest fan and greatest encourager. If anyone believed in me, it was him. I can’t tell you what a void his absence has left. Some days I’m doing well, while others can be so hard.

Recently, I was hurting and I sensed the Lord speaking into my pain:
“Rest, dear one. Don’t strive—press into Me. Let Me hold you up. Just as you lay floating in the water through no effort of your own, relax back into My arms, entirely relying on My strength. Listen to the beat of My heart and let it settle yours. You can trust Me. This grief won’t break you. I know you’re confused…but you will find a rhythm of your own. I am here.”

I’m learning that this is a process. You can’t sprint through grief or skip the pain. You’ve heard it said: “You can’t go around it, you can’t go over it, you must go through it.” I’ve found this to be true.

If you’ve experienced a loss, can I say how sorry I am? No matter how difficult it is, I know if you surrender it to God, He will see you through it. Someday, He will even use it for good. (Romans 8:28) In the meantime, I pray you will sense his nearness.

In Matthew 11:28 (NIV) it says, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…” I’m counting on that promise day by day, sometimes moment by moment.

Perhaps we could do this together? Let’s take a deep breath and take one brave step forward. I would love for you to come along with me on this healing journey.

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