In His presence is fullness of joy…” Psalm 16:11
Yesterday marked an extraordinary moment in the timeline of my story. I am a storyteller—and although I love telling other people’s stories, the story I’m most qualified to talk about is my own.
On October 3rd, 2005, I was transported to the hospital because of severe chest pain. After performing several tests, the doctors were confident I had significant heart blockages and needed a heart catheterization.
To everyone’s surprise, the initial views of my heart revealed no blockages whatsoever—my arteries were perfect. However, for reasons still unclear, my heart went into a fatal arrhythmia, and suddenly I was in cardiac arrest. What was supposed to be a routine procedure became a fight to save my life. I was only 47 years old.
After being defibrillated several times and pumped full of drugs, my body wasn’t responding. Just as the team was beginning to lose hope, my heart started beating on its own. After seven long minutes, I was back.
Of course, I don’t remember any of that. I learned that I spent many hours under close observation, not only to be sure I was stable but because of symptoms that indicated I might have suffered a stroke. Praise God, those symptoms subsided. Five days later, I was discharged from the hospital, walking out with no lasting side-effects.
So, what happened? Where was I for those seven minutes?
Although I have no conscious memory of what occurred during that time, from the moment I came to, I knew deep in my spirit that something was different. I know in the place that I-know-that-I-know-that-know—I was with God.
Yesterday I spent the day reflecting on this life-changing moment. One of the most compelling parts of my journey happened seven years ago. I was in prayer, thanking the Lord for the beautiful autumn day He had given me. Then I told God I missed Him.
Suddenly, gut-wrenching grief struck, nearly taking my breath away. Doubling over, a floodgate of emotion opened up from somewhere deep inside me. I found myself sobbing over and over, “I miss You! I miss You! I miss You!”
Somehow, despite the lack of conscious memory of what happened to me, my soul remembered. The grief and sense of agonizing loss were so intense it was like physical pain. Since then, on a handful of occasions, I’ve been hit by similar waves of heart-rending grief.
I am no stranger to grief and loss. My most recent heartache was when a year and a half ago, my 61-year-old husband died quite suddenly. I miss him more than words could express. However, even the pain of my husband’s death cannot compare to what I’ve felt when the curtain is pulled back to reveal the anguish deep within my soul. If “missing God” is this intense, what must it have been like to have been in God’s presence?
I believe I had a glimpse of heaven. That I was enveloped by the Most High God, experiencing the fullness of His love, joy, and peace. No wonder my soul still suffers from the shock of our separation!
Perhaps that’s why I can have such peace after Charlie’s death. Despite the heartache, I not only know in my head that the separation is temporary—I know it in my soul. The truth is he’s with the One who has completely altered the way I view life. I know Charlie is in God’s presence where there is fullness of joy.
October 3rd is such a special day for me. A day I celebrate the joyful reminder of my seven minutes with God. I’m thankful for the physical miracle that saved my life that day, but I will never lose my awe for the wonder of being with God—whether I remember a single detail or not. The beautiful thing is I can walk in God’s presence right here and now. He continues to write my story.
That’s true for you as well, dear one. You are loved beyond measure, and God’s arms are open wide. I pray you invite Jesus Christ into your story. He promises that if you seek Him, you will find Him.
Then tell your story—you’re the only one who can. Your story matters. You matter. You are a beautiful creation, uniquely gifted, and loved beyond measure. No matter what you’ve been through, the highs and the lows and everything in-between, not a drop will be wasted as you surrender it all to the Master Storyteller. God can use the brushstrokes of your life for great good.
Jenny, I gave my testimony at one of our Woman’s retreat at our church. I could never tell parts of my story as long as my parents were alive becouse I could never hurt them. After the weekend one of our ladies who is very close to God told me to get ready because God has something special for me to do. She said I’m to write my story for others. This scares me do to my head injury I don’t think I have the knowhow to do this, but as I see what you are doing I am going to try. With Gods help I pray that I can if it will help others. Thank you.
Oh Ann, I’m so thrilled that what I wrote gives you courage to tell your story! I’m proud of you!! God will give you exactly what you need when you need it.
Hugs 🤗