It’s been two months since I learned my wonderful husband of thirty-eight years, Charlie Farrell, died in his sleep. He was sixty-one years old.
The call came at five a.m. When my phone first rang beside the hotel bed I quickly declined it, not recognizing the number. But when it rang again, this time with a dear friend’s name across the screen, my stomach clenched. I knew he was with Charlie at a men’s retreat, so why would he be calling me? Especially at such an early hour?
When I answered, all my friend said was that someone wanted to talk to me. However, the way his voice quivered did nothing to reassure me. Then another man’s voice spoke words no wife ever wants to hear: “Jenny, I’m afraid I have horrible news.”
Immediately, I said, “No!” dropping to my knees. But no amount of denial could make the words less true: the love of my life’s heart had stopped beating. Nothing would ever be able to bring him back.
I cannot begin to describe what that news did to me. It was as if I’d been cracked wide-open; torn in half. In that single moment, my life was forever altered. “Us” became “me.” After being together for so long, how would I ever do alone?
I was at the Heartbeat International conference in southern California when I learned of Charlie’s death. Before he’d dropped me off at the airport in Chicago, we’d been talking about my desire to restart my blog. My husband was encouraging me to focus more on my journal entries and real-life stories. He loved to read what I wrote during quiet moments with God and felt others would as well. Little did I know it would mean baring my soul during this journey of grief and loss.
Yet, I think what I am experiencing should be shared. Many others are grieving as well, for a myriad of reasons, and I want to be able to extend hope. Although my heart is breaking, I am also being held. Held by the God of the universe. I have a peace that steadies me in the midst of the storm that rages on.
We had a service, celebrating Charlie’s life, on April 21st. My children amazed me by singing one of my husband’s favorite songs, How Great Thou Art. In addition, all three of us sang a song by Casting Crowns, entitled, Oh My Soul.
My sister sent me the link to the song just after learning of Charlie’s death. Her accompanying text simply said, “You are not alone.” Lying in that hotel bed, even as the tears flowed freely, I sensed God’s blanket of peace in such a real way. At the same time I knew my husband was experiencing God’s love and peace without measure. He would be in God’s presence forever.
As real as my pain is, it cannot cancel out my joy that Charlie is no longer suffering. That he is completely healed. Whole. Free.
Until I see him again, I pray for the strength to cling to the One who will never leave me or forsake me.
Jenny, what a heart felt account of your
story, so real and yet I sense such strength
and even the peace that passes understanding.
And, no, you are not alone. To be carried by the One Who Knows is an incredible honor. Your whole family and all of your friends are looking forward to seeing you grow and share your heart on this incredible journey.
Thank you dear sister! I look forward to a “do-over” visit sometime in the near future. Love you so much!! ?❤
Thank you for sharing your journey. God be with you.
Thank you Claudia ❤
Thank you for sharing your heart and encouraging me and so many others as they walk through life. I can not imagine how your like had changed. I pray for you!
Thanks so much Marsha! ❤
Grieving is a growing process and like our walk with Jesus everyone is different. But it is better some days than other days. Talking to God is a major step, talking to a Godly person, and journaling. Thank you for writing this Jenny. Jesus loves you?
Thank you Mari. And good advice! ❤
Jenny you are the strongest woman I know! Who else could get up and sing at her husbands funeral! Your kids also!! Today at church I got really sad thinking about you when you were singing as it is Father’s Day. Do glad you sat by me! Charlie would be so proud of you and Kelsey and Brian as what you have done!! Your family has meant so much to everyone and will continue to. God hasbrought us this far and will continue !! ?❤️??
This was written at 10:15 ?
Thank you Pam! ❤
I know your grief story will help others. When time passes perhaps you could write a book on grief. You are so good at writing. My heart aches to know what you are going through. Charlie was such a special person I know you miss him so much. May Gods arms hold you in each day ahead. Love you CJ
Thank you CJ. That means a great deal to me. ❤
My dear Jenny, you have always had a special place in my heart. It thrills my heart to see the way the Lord has used you to bring joy and hope to others. I only wish I could have known Charlie. M.y heart grieves for you and your family as you have suffered such loss.When I listened to the video ( which was beautiful) my mind wandered back to the time we sang “There’s Something About That Name” at the chapel many years ago. Those were very special memories and your memories with Charlie will carry you through the difficult days ahead. I am praying that the “God of All Comfort” will be your strength each day. I love you. Becky
I remember singing that song with you as well! A sweet memory. I so appreciate you and pray I will be able to see you in person sometime in the next few months. ❤
Jenny, I am so sorry for your loss! Until you meet again in heaven, I pray God gives you strength and peace.
Thank you Kathy! I still remember your compassion at a time when I was struggling with anxiety and depression. Your gentleness was so beautiful. I will always be grateful. ❤
Jenny, I’m always amazed at how you open your heart and allow God’s love to flow through you and into the world even in the most trying times. Thank you for being such a humble example of His mercy and strength.
Thank you Janice. Miss you so much! ❤
Sad for you and yours, such a surprise to us. But rejoicing for him. So thankful for God’s peace.
Thank you Louise ❤
You and Charlie have been such a blessing from God.. I cherish you both for so many reasons, especially for being awesome representatives of our Savior Jesus Christ. May God heap upon you His peace and comfort every day until His final return.
Charlie enjoyed you so much Charlene! He loved your humor and your heart. I’m so grateful that you continue to be a friend to me. ❤
Thank you Jenny for sharing your story with such tenderness. Charlie will be missed, but never forgotten. He was a unique soul with a smile and laugh that could transcend an entire room filled with people. He was never afraid to question or comment, and always willing to care and share. I cannot begin to know what it feels like, yet the thought of being a “me” rather than an “us” has to take courage in moving forward and trust in our Father. Lifting you in prayer as you steady your soul and find peace. God bless.
Charlie loved his Via De Cristo family. Thank you for being part of his life ❤
Beautiful Jenny?
Thx Susan 🙂
Dear precious sister in Christ! From your heart to God’s arms. I wish I could hug you. Love and prayers, dear one.
Thank you Connie!
?❤️?
This is achingly beautiful, Jenny. Even in huge loss, you have sought, and found, huge comfort in the very One Whom Charlie is dancing w now. Thank you for trusting us enough to let us see into your heart. Among the pain, there is peace that passes all understanding. You are so gifted in so many ways, Jenny. What a very special lady you are. Praying for you and your beloved family. I love you!
Thank you Becky. This is not what I would have chosen for myself or my family but it’s the path stretching out in front of me. If God can use these painful moments to help even one person then I know nothing will be wasted.
Love you too❤
Thx for sharing. The best is yet to come! Becoz He lives. ..jrmcdquay@msn.com
Yes-the best is yet to come! Thanks Cindy:)
What a heartfelt and heartbreaking story. I’m so glad that you can feel God’s presence and love for you. He is your Safe Place. Your Strong Tower. Your Comforter. God bless you.
Thank you so much Sandy!