In case you haven’t noticed, I am fascinated by the ocean. I grew up on Long Island, NY, where my parents would take me to the beach during the summers. It was so different then. There were big sand dunes that my brother and sisters and I could climb, and then we would run down to the shore to play in the water. The wind was always blowing though, so my dad would build a small bonfire at a low point between the dunes. When we got cold, we would run back to the fire, all bundled up in our towels. There we would warm ourselves, and roast hot dogs over the coals. I can still taste them…yummm!
Every summer we would drive to Florida, my mother’s home state. We had wonderful times with my extended family. Best of all, I would spend entire days playing in the waves and building sandcastles. If you’ve ever had the privilege to witness the beauty and power of the ocean, you know what an awesome experience that is. Those were great times.
Five years ago we noticed that there was a growth on my husband’s head. Prior to the biopsy we had a godly couple pray for us. When they were done, the woman shared with me that she sensed the Lord saying that there was a large wave coming. That I shouldn’t be afraid, but to simply ride the wave, and in the end it would be exciting. After that, I can’t tell you how many times I heard something about waves and water before that next Sunday. And when I would spend time in the Word, verses would pop up that confirmed this as well. I learned a lot about hearing the voice of God during this time in my life.
Then we got the results of the biopsy—Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Suddenly I thought I understood what the “wave” was. That was quite a journey of faith…a time of clinging to the Lord. It was season of both believing in the healing power of our God, as well as surrender to His sovereignty. Today, Charlie is cancer-free, and we praise our God for His healing touch!!
About six months later the Lord began showing me that there was another wave I was to face. It made the previous one seem almost small by comparison.You see He spoke to my heart that I had many “rooms” in my past. He told me that the doors were shut and that He couldn’t use them. Perhaps what shocked me the most was my own immediate response…”Yeah, and there’s a really good reason that they are shut”. As far as I was concerned, the doors would remain closed, and so would the subject.
Then in my mind I saw what looked like an old mansion of sorts. Part of the home looked lived-in, but there was a large wing that had furniture with covers on them. I had the sense of cobwebs, and that no one had been in that section for years and years. A lot like a scene out of “The Secret Garden”. There was a very long corridor, with many doors—all of them shut. Then, just in case I didn’t get it, there was bright tape crisscrossed over the entry, with a sign that said “keep out”. I immediately knew I was in trouble.
Have you ever avoided the voice of God? It wasn’t that I was shutting my heart to Him entirely…far from it. But eventually, if you want to have an intimate walk with the Lord, you will need to yield. I’m so thrilled that I serve a God who is patient. That He will not force anyone into His mold. Rather, He simply waits until He knows that we are ready for more.
A couple of months later I was sitting before Him, spending extended time in His presence. Suddenly I just knew He was going to reveal what the “doors” represented. You see, even though I had no immediate recollection, I had always known that I had been molested when I was young. While living in NY there were sections of time that I was separated from my family, and staying with neighbors. I believe that is where the abuse occurred. I tried to bargain with the Lord, telling Him that I didn’t need to know what had happened in my past. I would simply forgive, in broad-brush fashion, everything that had ever happened to me. But as I tried to avoid where the Lord was leading, I felt Him say, “If you want to offer healing and wholeness to others, then it’s time to heal you”.
When I stopped resisting, I immediately felt myself floating. I was filled with a sense of peace, and I thought, “this isn’t so bad”. But then a huge wave shot up like a skyscraper, towering above me. I can’t begin to tell you just how terrifying it was. I cried out to the Lord through my pen, as I scribbled furiously into my journal. I said, “No! This is going to crush me, this will kill me…this will hurt me”…
That’s when I heard His still, small voice. He told me, “Jenny, I’m taking you through the Red Sea. You are walking on dry land and I am with you, leading you. You will see within the walls of the water many things that will scare you, but they cannot hurt you any longer. And when you get to the other side of My Sea, I will close My Sea up, and crush everything that has ever harmed you.” I felt such a warm reassurance that I wasn’t alone, and that He would never leave me.
After that the Lord showed me the first “scene” of abuse. It was horrible, and it hurt. The shame was overwhelming. But over a period of time He walked me through the event.
Later the Lord would show me one of the more devastating “rooms”. This time I was able to picture Jesus there with me. In the vision I grew in strength, and I actually turned to one of the perpetrators and said, “If you call upon the name of the Lord you will be saved”. I knew that was only possible by the power of the Holy Spirit…there was no way I would have been able to so quickly and freely forgive such a horrible offense. But instead of the painful wound that had been festering for years, I was left with a desire to see those who had abused me come to a saving knowledge of the Lord. I was astounded!
In time I would face several more rooms. It took a while to do “inventory”, with the Lord as my guide. I also had the help of a wonderful Christian counselor, who walked alongside me throughout this season. Our times of prayer were especially powerful, and provided me with strength to meet the challenges that I faced.
I have to be honest and tell you that this was an extremely painful time in my life. Initially I fought my Red Sea experience. Yet as each revelation and subsequent healing resulted in a greater freedom than I had ever known, I began to embrace the process. I came to understand the gift that Jesus was offering me.
If I were to be given the choice today to skip that part of my life, I would immediately refuse. I have learned so much through all of this. Now it is my desire to help other women find freedom and wholeness. I want to play “unfreeze tag”.
Our lives can be a reflection of the ocean. Sometimes it can feel like a beautiful day at the beach. The sun is shining, waves curling in beautiful shades of blue and green. Like a sheer curtain they billow in size, until they crash onto the surface of the water, the foamy edge rushing to the shoreline. Other days it can feel more like a terrifying day at sea, where a storm has come up suddenly. The sky turns almost black, making it difficult to see. The wind is whipping the waves into gigantic proportions, and you feel like this is “it”…your ship is going down.
But no matter what, I want you to know that the Master of the Sea is with you. He loves you so much. And as you choose to yield your life to Him, He will help you navigate those storms and waves. Even when circumstances don’t outwardly change, if you just listen you can hear His still small voice, saying “peace be still”, to the wind and the waves.
In my many conversations with women over the years, it is my belief that we all have our “rooms” on some level. Known or unknown, the majority of us would like to avoid our painful past at all cost. But I pray that with the Lord’s guidance, and perhaps a good Christian counselor, you too will be willing to go wherever He leads you. I promise you that it’s worth it!
If you made it this far, congratulations. This wasn’t an entry that could be written briefly, so thanks for hanging in there with me. I pray that it ministers to your heart in some way. I want to share a new song that was recently released, that has touched my heart. It’s called “Oceans (When Feet May Fail)”, by Hillsong United. The lyrics and melody are amazing, and they immediately resonated. I hope they will for you as well.
Oceans, by Hillsong United http://youtu.be/dy9nwe9_xzw
